How’s your self-love?

Let’s talk about love.

Not the warm fuzzy, twinkly-eyed, twitterpated, things getting moist kind of love. Not the kind that’s a FEELING. The kind that’s ACTION.

I think I was a teenager when I learned this concept — that love is an action, not an emotion. Loving is something you choose to do — not a feeling that can just come and go. And so, by some time in my 20s I remember committing to myself that when I say “I love you,” what I really mean is “I commit to acting in loving ways towards you,” not, “I feel nice things for you.”

Parents understand this. We generally don’t stop loving our kids even when they’re being little assholes. We keep choosing to behave in loving ways to them, even when we don’t FEEL IT.

I believe we can consciously choose whether to keep actively loving someone or not. I want to suggest that the same goes for loving ourselves.

Actively loving ourselves

I think a lot of us are intensely uncomfortable with the concept of loving self. Imagine even saying it out loud!! Talking about loving yourself! What the actual fuck! It’s kind of not very socially acceptable… And while I don’t think I’m going to be able to change that, maybe we can start changing the way you think about loving yourself as an action (or series of actions) every day. Love in action. Self-love in action.

I believe we’re faced with the option to be loving towards ourselves almost every minute of every day. Like, what’s the best way to act lovingly towards myself in this moment? Is it to:

• pause and breathe

• finish that email (because it’ll be a weight off)

• decline that meeting

• drink some water

• drink some gin

• take off your shoes

• close your eyes

• walk away from that conversation

• block that motherfucker on LinkedIn

• close your laptop

• reframe the critical thing you just said to yourself (more on that here!)

• pick up the phone and get the thing done

• eat a snickers

If you’re still stuck, I‘ve actually written about the gifts I like to give myself! 

You can read that here.

Dispelling the self-love myth

Remember, loving self does NOT have to be at the exclusion of others. OK, that’s not true. Sometimes it absolutely does mean that. Sometimes you have to please you and disappoint others. Sometimes you have to give time to you before others.

But here’s the thing. Loving self does not mean ALWAYS putting yourself first. That would probably make you a narcissist. Loving self does not mean having no obligations to community, family, work, or partner. Loving self means you make sure that you’re not at the bottom of the list. That you get some time, some of the time, at the top of the list.

Loving self means remembering you deserve being on the list.

But loving self doesn’t have to be visible

In fact, to a great extent, I think loving self goes on completely internally, like:

• owning your shit and not making it anyone else’s problem

• forgiving past you for being imperfect

• accepting and being kind to the unlovable parts of you

• acknowledging and leaning into your strengths and talents

• catching yourself when your inner mean girl is being too loud, and speaking kindly to yourself instead

• finding a way to be ok with being less productive, efficient, motivated, disciplined, [insert your punishable offence here], than you’d like to be

I think that’s it for now.

What’s on my mind is that saying about how “hurt people hurt people.”

I think loving ourselves is one of the solutions to the way we so naturally point our pain in other people’s directions. I think loving ourselves is part of healing ourselves. And the world needs a lot of healing.

I also think I’ve said “I think” a shit-tonne today. I’m gonna be kind to myself about that.

That’s all from me,

Byyyeeeeee!!